Schizophrenic?

It’s coffee time, until it’s time to drink



I love 50 cent, or as he’s know in Zimbabwe; four hundred million dollars



Whenever a bird poops on my car, I eat scrambled eggs in front of them to show them what I am capable of.



If my calculations are correct, then someone else did them for me.



Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.



The first 40 years of childhood are the toughest.



My fingers are very trustworthy. I can always count on them.



I feel like the guy who gets pushed into the fruit stand during a chase scene.



Friend: “Why are you late?”

Me: “There was a man who lost a Hundred Dollar Bill”

Friend” “That’s nice. Were you helping him?”

Me: “No. I was standing on it”



It’s only November 1st and I am already seeing Halloween decorations! Jeez



Hey! I might be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.



Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?



We live in a society where pizza gets to your house quicker than the police.