The Rules of Speakin' Suthin'

SPEAKIN' SOUTHERN


When I was in California a few weeks ago everybody guessed I was from Texas. Which was fine, Texas, like some parts of Florida, is in the south. But true Southerners are a dying breed ... as can be evidenced in other parts of Florida. Anyway, here’s a discription of a true, and now rare, Southerner.



FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THE RULES
Southerners know their summer weather report: Humidity, Humidity, Humidity

Southerners know their vacation spots: The beach, The rivuh, The crick

Southerners know everybody's first name: Honey, Darlin', Shugah

Southerners know their religions: Bapdiss, Methdiss, Football

Southerners know their cities dripping with Southern charm: Chawl'stn, S'vanah, Foat Wuth, N'awlins, Addlanna

Southerners know their elegant gentlemen: Men in uniform, Men in tuxedos, Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate: The Mall, The Country Club, The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the three deadly sins: Having bad hair and nails, Having bad manners, Cooking bad food

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc, make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece."

They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when "in line," talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

There ain't no magazine named "Northern Living" for good reason. There ain't nobody interested in livin' up north; nobody would buy the magazine!

Now Shugah, tell this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had abeen! If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, and fake it.

We know you got here as fast as you could.